Two friends, SUMMER and GIA, are on Facetime. They are both Asian teenage girls. 

SUMMER: If I was skinny– like no, I am skinny, but like if I was blonde and had blue eyes life would be so much easier. 

GIA: Don’t say that. Like, you’re so cool. Y’know?/

SUMMER: What? 

GIA: Like, I’ve been so obsessed with cool, like chic, individualistic, like cool, you know. Like obviously Emma’s really pretty, but like why would you want to be another basic white girl. 

SUMMER: Like I get what you mean, but I also would wanna be a basic white girl if I could get with hot white guys. Bro, Lucy keeps saying that white guys always have at least a bit of an Asian fetish but that’s just not true/

GIA: No, like yes it is. My sister and her boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend and her other ex-boyfriend are all living proof of white guys having an Asian fetish. Even her ex who turned out to be gay is dating a Korean guy. 

SUMMER: Like I guess. Maybe the guys in our school are just not like that. 

Beat.

SUMMER: I really want tits and an ass. 

GIA: But you’re like skinny. And you don’t bloat. 

SUMMER: Yeah, but I feel like guys don’t like that or they like, don’t care. Me personally, I think I’d be so much more um, attractive? If I had tits and an ass. 

GIA: Isn’t that the whole point of your bod though? Like, you have one of the flattest stomachs I know. I don’t know if having tits and an ass would throw that balance off. 

SUMMER: Like I get that it’s a fine line, but everyone that’s like getting with people has like, tits and an ass. Like tell me one girl that’s been whoring around that doesn’t have tits and an ass. 

GIA: Ummmmm.

SUMMER: Exactly. Like Anna Lucia has tits and an ass/

GIA: Why do we even call her Anna Lucia??/

SUMMER: And she’s like, a hook-up demon. (Pause) I don’t know. That’s like her Instagram user. It’s lowkey tacky but like, whatever.

GIA: Sure. 

Pause.

SUMMER: Shit, I lost my train of thought. 

GIA: Side note but I’m making cookies.

SUMMER: You fatass. 

GIA: I feel validated that I fit one of the criteria for having tits and an ass. 

They both laugh. 

SUMMER: Oh yeah, I remember now. I was gonna say like, I also hate being so tall. It’s like so hard to find guys that like, give a good height difference. 

GIA: Aren’t we like the same height? How tall are you? 

SUMMER: Like, five five, five six?

GIA: That’s not even that tall. 

SUMMER: No, but I mean like, for example, Chiara is so short and she has tits and an ass. Like, her and Anna, one of them has gotten with like half her friend group, and the other has gotten with half the hot upperclassmen. 

GIA: Eh, I get what you mean. But I also think Chiara’s just really hot. 

SUMMER: Like no. Mmm, I mean I guess, but – no, I think Anna’s hot. She’s like, striking hot, like oh my god wow she has an hourglass, type of look. But she also dresses very like, Italian rich aunt, rich mom/

GIA: Ew, no, I so disagree with that. Like I’m sorry but her style is just so ugly. Like it’s European but it doesn’t even give elegant and she wears the same shit like every day. 

SUMMER: I agree, but I think she somewhat pulls it off. 

GIA: I’ve never met a single person that pulls off those jeans that literally cut off above your ankles. And she does not pull them off. And she just wears the same flowery white dress and the same satin black top/ 

SUMMER: No wait, I know what you’re talking about. It looks SHEIN. 

GIA: I KNOW! Isn’t her dad like a billionaire?

SUMMER: I mean I guess that’s how rich people keep their money. 

GIA: Whatever. 

SUMMER: Back to what I was saying. I think Anna’s hot and Chiara’s just very like–

GIA: Cute?

SUMMER: No, that’s not it. She’s like pretty. No, she’s like feminine. That’s the word I was looking for. 

GIA: Ohhhhh. I see it. 

SUMMER: Yeah, she’s like petite and dresses really feminine. It’s not elegant per se, like how Anna sorta dresses, but she’s small and skinny and has tits and an ass and she’s very out there. 

GIA: No yeah. I think it’s like, the juxtaposition of her femininity and her personality. 

SUMMER: How is she even such a bop?

GIA: I don’t know. Like, I need a masterclass, because I need to have a fun-filled year. 

SUMMER: No like me too. Like how do people even start talking to guys? The closest I’ve gotten to is literally texting my man who’s not really my man–

GIA: Mateo?

SUMMER: –Yeah. It was about fucking Chem. Like, the furthest we’ve gotten in conversation in real life is him talking about being high as fuck at 3 am and almost getting caught by his dad or some shit. And on text–god, it was about his short Indian friend. I just said he was built like a caveman and he called me racist. Ugh. 

GIA: Maybe that’s his way of flirting. And at least you’ve talked to your target. Max hasn’t even added me back on Snap. I don’t think romance is real anymore. 

SUMMER: Like he’s gonna. And anyway, he’s missing out. But I think you’re good because he hasn’t gotten with anyone. Like, he’s not a whore. 

GIA: You think Mateo’s a whore?

SUMMER: He literally got with Chiara. I think I’m done for. And he also got with Cara Smith. Which I don’t get. Cause she literally has the face of a fifty-year-old woman and can pierce ears with that chin and has the posture of the hunchback of Notre Dame. 

GIA: Yeah. Like honestly, I think you’re so much prettier than her. 

SUMMER: So it’s not bad to say that I agree. Like, is it just cause I’m in the grade below him? But I’m still like, objectively pret– not that ugly. And I was literally first on his best friends list on Snap for like, a month straight. That’s gotta mean something. 

GIA: No yeah, you’re so right. And also you’re literally hot. 

SUMMER: Thank you. Like, I know. But I guess she has tits and an ass because I stalked her VSCO, and she was making a really weird face in this one pic with her friends but she had a bikini on and I was like ohhh maybe I see the potential. 

GIA: I’ve told you, like it’s not that bad to just be skinny. Like, that’s attractive. And it isn’t like you’re completely flat like Isla. 

SUMMER: Stop. She actually has no tits. It’s like, so bad.

GIA: I know. She literally contours her chest and then edits it to be more prominent. 

SUMMER: It’s so obvious it hurts. 

GIA: Right. Oh, and didn’t Mateo like your bikini post? 

SUMMER: Like yeah, but wouldn’t it be more flattering if I just had tits and an ass? Like in real life. 

GIA: I guess. But like, you wear kinda showy clothes, and it’s not like you have no cleavage at all. And it’s not like guys won’t get with you just cause you’re skinny. That’s just illogical. 

SUMMER: No, but think about it like this. Anna Lucia has tits and an ass. Chiara has tits and an ass. I guess Cara kinda does? Lucy has tits for DAYS that it doesn’t even matter if she has an ass. Evelyn has tits and an ass and she’s gotten with like three pretty hot guys. 

GIA: I don’t think Evelyn’s that pretty. 

SUMMER: Really? I think she’s so aesthetic. 

GIA: Eh, I mean I guess, but her Instagram feed is so hit or miss sometimes. 

SUMMER: Oh, I totally get what you mean. She likes to post photos where she looks god awful but others look good in. Like, on their Bahamas trip posts, Evelyn’s post was SO BAD like she literally looked soooo bad, but on Chiara’s post she looked gorgeous. 

GIA: I know. And her eyebrows/

SUMMER: Are SO BADLY DRAWN. And her eyeliner. 

GIA: Oh my god, it’s literally like she drew it on with a fat-ass Sharpie. 

SUMMER: I know. Like hello, don’t get with her, get with me. 

GIA: And she’s not even that rich. She has like two pairs of Golden Gooses and one of them is from Anna. I have three pairs. 

SUMMER: Shit, that’s crazy. (Pause) Anyways, and then Penelope/

GIA: Oh my god, Penelope is SO pretty. I don’t know how Chris ever bagged her. 

SUMMER: I know, right? He looks like that Minecraft Youtuber/

GIA: DREAM. 

SUMMER: YES. Anyways, like I guess her main thing is her face, but she also has tits and an ass. I’m not wrong, right? And like none of these girls are Asian. They’re all white. 

GIA: I mean–oh, no. I thought of an example. 

SUMMER: Okay. 

GIA: Brianna Lee and her white trash hockey boyfriend/

SUMMER: Ex, now. And he dumped her to flirt with a white girl. 

GIA: Whatever. But they were still dating/

SUMMER: Come on, that was just lust. Like it’s common knowledge that she just sucked dick. 

GIA: Fine. (pause) Oh! Sydney Kim and Nate. And Nate isn’t even bad-looking. 

SUMMER: But Sydney has tits and an ass. She isn’t skinny but she has tits and an ass. 

GIA: I can’t say anything against that. (pause) Oh, Amina. 

SUMMER: What? She has tits and an ass. 

GIA: I know. I meant her as in like, an example for the ‘has tits and an ass’ category. 

SUMMER: No, yeah. And she’s talking to Asian Noah, who’s kinda cute. 

GIA: Yeah. 

SUMMER: Oh, and Emma–ugh, she’s white like blonde and blue eyes white, and she does sports and I don’t know if she has tits but I guess she does have an ass–she pulls so much. It actually pisses me off because she’s so dumb and has the personality of wet cardboard. 

GIA: I don’t think she pulls that much. Like, guys will think or say she’s pretty but they won’t go for her. She literally got rejected by her 8-month talking-stage-slash-situationship because they kissed once and she had bad breath. 

SUMMER: Ew, and she’s also like poor. She dresses so bad. SO bad. Like no, your dad is serving the military in butt fuck nowhere Connecticut, you are not going on a resort trip to the Caribbean every year. 

GIA: No way, she said that? 

SUMMER: Yeah. Sydney told me. 

GIA: That’s so embarrassing. 

SUMMER: Yeah. But at least guys say they think she’s pretty. Like, no guy has EVER told someone they thought I was hot. 

GIA: (laughing) Well, like Mark has. 

SUMMER: Oh my god, do NOT bring him up. That was like, the lowest stage of my life. Also, it doesn’t count cause he’s Asian, short, and ugly. That’s not my target audience. I need my blonde green-eyed boyfriend. 

GIA: You are so Oxford theory. 

SUMMER: I know. Maybe I’m so cranky because I’m gonna get my period soon. 

GIA: Yeah. I’m about to get my period. I can feel it. It’s so fucking bad. 

SUMMER: Oh, we’re so synced up. Ugh, I’m just annoyed at everyone and everything. 

Pause. 

GIA: Oh my god, you know what I can’t believe?

SUMMER: What?

GIA: That Sophia got with someone. And he’s not even like ugly. He’s tall and pretty cute. 

SUMMER: Oh my god, I know. 

GIA: Right?? Like I’m sorry, but she’s literally fat. She’s built like a fucking airpod. And she doesn’t dress well for her body type either. 

SUMMER: STOP. That’s really bad. Knock on wood. 

They both knock on wood. Just in case Karma’s real. 

SUMMER: I also don’t get how Irene has literally had four boyfriends this year. Or four hook ups. I don’t know. 

GIA: Whatever. They’re like, not brag-worthy. Like Parker, okay he’s SUPER tall and kinda cute and has such beautiful eyes or whatever, but–Franklin? Victor? 

SUMMER: Oh god, I almost forgot, when he was literally gripping onto her boobs and ass at the same time during that one dance. 

GIA: He looks like Sid the Sloth and he’s so creepy. But I guess she also kinda got with Kristian. I know you think he’s kinda cute. 

SUMMER: Yeah, but Lucy told me that Kristian said she was so bad, like horrible, and she didn’t even know what she was doing. And that Irene literally didn’t even kiss Parker. 

GIA: So she didn’t kiss Parker but willingly got harassed by Victor. (Sarcastically) That makes so much sense. 

SUMMER: She’s such a bop though. I guess people kinda don’t talk about it cause she only gets with ugly, irrelevant men. 

GIA: Do you believe in bops?

SUMMER: Bops, like whores?

GIA: Yeah. 

SUMMER: Hmm. I don’t believe in sluts, I think that’s a dumb idea, but I do believe in bops. Like thots or whores or whatever. Girls that have like, zero self-respect. 

GIA: I agree with that. Don’t bring back slutshaming but we need to start calling people whores again. Like, if they deserve it. Not those insecure little boys on a pretty girl’s TikTok.

SUMMER: Right? I see those literally fucking everywhere. (Pause) OH MY GOD, he just instantly snapped me back. 

GIA: Mateo?

SUMMER: YES, my boyfriend. Soon to be. Like holy fuck, just text me already. I’m smart, funny, skinny, I’m interesting, I’m pretty rich, and I’m fun. Like I drink and smoke and shit and I can literally give you alcohol. 

GIA: Right. I really hope we just live it up next year. I mean, I think cause we’re gonna be sophomores, things are gonna be so much better. There’s like a stigma with hooking up with freshmen. 

SUMMER: I know. I’m gonna have a whole new wardrobe and a crisp tan. Just like, be a bad bitch. 

GIA: Let’s run a two-man next year. 

SUMMER: We have to. 

GIA: To a hot girl summer. 

SUMMER: Live it up, twin. 

They both start giggling. GIA gets her cookies from the oven. SUMMER hits her vape and shows GIA how she bedazzled it. Ad lib as lights fade.